Your Perfect Verse is Just a Lie You Tell Yourself to Get By


Humanity thrives itself on drama and I don’t get where it comes from. What was the first push that forced us to weave stories out of our human life? Take from the concrete in our world and start filling in the shadows images from our mind? I don’t know.

My ex texted me.

– I saw you today. What are you doing in town?

I didn’t reply. I showed the text to Mary and she laughed.

“What are you going to say?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I said.

I put my phone on my chest.

We laid out at the Smith park, the three of us, in the grass. It was chilly, but the Sun was out and heated us up a bit and the snow was mostly gone. The forecast said that it would snow tonight, so we might as well enjoy being outside before Earth hides the Sun away.

Mary rested her head on my thigh and Hugh sat a few feet away from us reading an E-book on his phone.

The world could end like this. At this moment. I’d be fine with it.

Don’t let me fool you, I give a shit about life. Most of the time dealing with the struggles and trials come to me I get irritated and I want to give up but I never want it all to end. And I don’t hate everything. I hate a lot, but everything is too damn much.

Just too damn much. I don’t get how people can unironically say that they hate everything.

Why the fuck you get outta bed then? What the fuck you want from life? Nothing? Go kill yourself. I’m serious! If you hate everything, why wake up? It’s because you don’t.

Your perfect verse is just a lie. “I hate everything,”; “Everything sucks,”; you’re full of shit.


It’s obvious what he means. You hate this life but you still take care of it. You hate your garden but instead of uprooting everything you tend to it. You hate your house but instead of lighting it on fire you still sleep in it. You’re a fucking liar. You care but you hate that you care because it fucking hurts to care and you’re just being a pussy and acting like you don’t care is easy and honestly sometimes an effective medicine against the pain that comes with caring.

That’s all it is.

You’re afraid of the pain that comes with being alive.

You’re weak.

And you don’t want to admit it so you act tough and irony is an easy way to act tough. Apathy is the cheat code to activate toughness. But it’s fake toughness.

When I realized this everything changed. It took a long time but after it hit me that my apathy and my irony that I more or less held as a characteristic so near and dear to me that to be separated from it might as well spelled suicide my life got better.

I’m still working on it. I’m still a loser but at least I give a fuck and I’m not afraid to. And I want to make everyone give a shit too.

So I’m ready to die.

Giving a shit.

Stuff I Run to

I used to love running more than anything. Nothing was more therapudic to me than turning off your brain and just going foreward for miles and miles until you feel like you’re going to buckle down and collapse, but something keeps carrying you and then the after glow of finishing is just the best reward ever.

Then I discovered lifting.

And now I can’t fucking stand running.

I have to listen to music to really get into it and really get me pumped up and moving. So, with that, I’ve compiled a few songs/albums that I just have to listen to or I my pace dies out.

Most of these are at a “run to die” pace. A few are pretty mellow in comparison. Some have screeming, some don’t. I like to listen to stuff that has a mystical side to it (not exactly psychedelic). Something profound that takes my mind off the suck.

Here you go:


To start, Deafheaven’s opening track on their debut album Sunbather, is Dream House. Dream House is the PERFECT track to run to. Even if you don’t like the black metal genre, you can’t help but feel your blood rush. I’ve never sky dived before, but I bet this is exactly what it feels like:


Next up, Thrice. Almost every single track with the exceptions of the Air and Earth EPs is great to run with. Thrice is hard hitting, deep, fast, slow at times, extremely graceful, and patient. Their tracks fluctuate, giving you rushes of adrenaline then allowing you to slow down to catch your breath, and get right back into it again. Their lyrics are aweinspiring and give you things to meditate on while you’re killing youself.

Some samples:

The Messenger (hard)-

In Exile (medium)-

Red Sky (slow/medium towards end)-


My new personal favorite is the album Two Hunters by Wolves In The Throne Room. Thom Jurek of says if Joy Division were a black metal band, they would be WITTR. And I agree. They execute amazing levels of patience, never wanting to beat you over the head with their tactics, instead choosing to dance around it enveloping you in the atmosphere, making you comfortable in their world and just take you along showing you the sorrow and misanthropy they feel towards the world. Their lyrics are about the destruction man causes to the environment and some stuff that hints to paganism, but it’s not beating you with it. It’s emotional in a mature way. But, though this is pure black metal it’s not as hard hitting as most. It’s set apart from the rest of the genre: It’s patient. It’s graceful. It’s experimental. It’s surreal. It’s uplifting. It’s emotional. It’s just fucking amazing go listen to it.


This is left-field, but the first five tracks off Merriweather Post Pavilion by Animal Collective are incredible to run to.

Here’s the whole album (everything after track five is pretty lame):


Stuff I cool down with:

First three tracks of this:


I’ll make this more of a series as the blog goes on, but this is just a jump start for what I currently run to.