Just Keep Going

“Why are you so tired all the time lately?” His friend asked.

He turned his head to him, his eyelids shrouded in black, his eyes glossed over, “I don’t know.”

“Well cut it out!” He laughed.

The man sighed and looked back on to his computer. He knew why. He didn’t feel like talking about it because he knew that route. It wouldn’t solve anything. Getting things off your chest simply doesn’t help him. It makes it worse.

He also knew all that any sympathy or “empathy” shown would be an act. So what was the point? And it was over a girl. Guys never get hung up on girls anymore. Dudes aren’t fragile these days. Only the losers are.

He looked onto his computer and surfed around youtube. He played songs with album covers and would just stare and imagine himself playing the songs and being set free.

What’s the point? Why am I still alive? No. Don’t think like that.

He couldn’t stop his mind from wondering.

If I went home tonight and killed myself they would have to clean out my room. I would be killing myself over a stupid reason. She loves me but doesn’t want to be with me. That’s enough to set this off. That’s enough for me to see through the “illusion of life.” What’s the point of life is love isn’t happening?

He thought about what she was doing and wanted to cry out, but couldn’t, because he can’t cry.

“Hey, you alright?” His boss asked.

He looked up with his eyes and met his boss’s. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

He felt annoyed but quelled it, “yeah I’m sure, just tired.”

“Okay.” His boss’s eyes looked skeptical.

He knows I’m lying.

He would drive home in his car with no A/C  in 100 degree weather and would sweat too much into his shirt and would feel dehydrated and would stumble into his room  and strip down to his underwear and would spin a record and lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.

He looked at the alcohol that sat on his bookshelf.

Don’t do it. You’ll go too far. Music. That’s all I need. But she’s not feeling like this. What’s the point? What’s the point? What’s the point? What’s the point?

He didn’t move for 6 hours. He might as well have died. He sure did want to.

All of This

You’re at home listening to that Blink-182 song with Robert Smith doing guest vocals and feeling like shit while your eyes are bloodshot and dried out but not from crying but from your old fucking contacts that you’re too lazy to replace.

She’s at a party her dumbfucking friends are throwing her for her birthday which was a week earlier and she is probably getting dicked down by every guy at the party including the one you’re kind of sort of suspicious of and you tell yourself she’s not a slut and you didn’t date a slut and she’s really honest and would tell you if this was a waste of your time.

Or something. Probably lying. Everyone lies.

You push the thought out but it comes back harder. She hasn’t liked anything on instagram because she’s too busy getting fucked. She’s not posting anything on Facebook because she’s in a gangbang. She’s not going to text you because she doesn’t want your dick.

Everyone gets laid but you.

You hope to Jesus that the conversation you have tomorrow night with her is a success but it probably won’t be because you’ll be asking about all the dick you think she took the night prior and you want to make sure that her pussy is still your’s and unaffected from every dick in the world but you can’t bring that up because who the FUCK WANTS TO START A CONVERSATION ASKING ABOUT HOW THE FUCK YOU HAD LAST NIGHT WAS.

Just go to sleep. Tomorrow will probably suck more.

Post Breakup Suggestion Regret

I sat in my chair and looked around my room trying to pull myself together to the simplest motion with my thumbs.

“so are we just seein other ppl or what”

“u can do whatever u want scott”

“ok”

“You can do whatever you want, Scott.” I hear her voice coo. I sigh because I know it’s a lie. I can’t do what I want. I want to do you.

And I can’t do that.

So that’s my predicament.

What’s cool is that I suggested we do this.

I guess I am forever reminded that my feelings will never know what they truly want in the long run.